Tuesday 16 June 2015

True Love Can Change Our Hearts

By Evan Sanders


My mind is dripping with paint. Beautiful colours casted all over the endless canvas of my mind. Mixing. Swirling. Blasted with unique colour. How rare for a mind that was stripped of colour not so long ago...one that was burdened by the blackest of blacks and the gap between those dark shades and white. There existed only that. Nothing except that. There are gorgeous and complex portraits of memories that unfold like streamers in my mind. I used to curse these unending reels of tape falling from the ceilings. They'd play over and over in my mind again. Moments. Memories. Feelings. Laughter. My mind felt bogged down by their presence. I truly attempted to manage the wild nature of them, to only understand that once a flutter of wind came by they would unravel time and time again.

This was the story about a man great suffering. Regret. Pain. Fear.

A deleterious force deep inside himself controlled by the sour manufacturing of life's best challenges and tests. A person who feared the genuine, the true, and to stand up for what truly whispered within his heart and drove his ambitions. A type of man annihilated by a force burning him to death from a wild cold that froze even glimmers of warmth within his heart. I was the type of man who gripped on too tight to what existed, strangling whatever was to the point of breathlessness. My grip was severe, turning things to dust, letting them sift through my fingers. My hands callused from building walls and frustrating off trespassers of love.

I was the kind of man whose heavy hands were beaten to a pulp by his brutal efforts to grasp onto things that needed to change, to find that there is an inability to manipulate what must shift. The pain that was made from watching the inescapable changing of things only brought more fear, more darkness, more discomfort.

I was that sort of man, once upon a time.

One day I chose to let go. Of everything. All that I feared, all that I adored. Everything in that moment, became much lighter. I started to accept that all would arrive in time, that love would run its course, lessons would show up at my stoop and I could really start to live.

I let the streamers, oh those attractive tapestries of my mind unfold as they wished, bobbing around the expansive room of my thoughts with liberty and grace. I took the time to walk amongst their colors, appreciating their complexities and depth. In turn, I granted myself the chance for using what was divine within my soul. I commenced to talk to the heavens and for once, rather than living in steady suffering, I just lived, giving up existing for something far grander.

But amongst it all, I became the kind of man that might be dripping with full colours and could watch everything go. I could hold others with open palms so they were free to fly. I could grin at things that once caused me agony. My hands, notwithstanding their strength, became very gentle. I became softer. My words became deeper. My feelings became stronger. And with all that, the true intensity of the looks I gave others became engulfed with enthusiasm. I stopped looking at other people and looked far into them.

I was once the type of man who suffered constantly.

Now, I'm the type of man who suffers, and with that, loves deeply.

I am moving on with a full heart.




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