Monday 23 February 2015

A Look At The Seldom-Discussed Male Perspective On Divorce

By Olivia Cross


When people discuss marriage dissolution, they most often do so from the woman's vantage point. There is a great deal of time and effort expended on understanding the negative effects divorces can have on wives, but very little mention of the repercussions for men. This shouldn't come as a surprise, since there are many very cultural and societal reasons that explain the lack of attention given to the male perspective on divorce.

Most men learned at an early age that men are expected to keep their feelings inside. Society has ways of making men feel inferior when they discuss emotional issues, so most avoid any serious discussions of that nature with their other male friends. That leads to them internalizing their sadness. Because of male silence on the matter, society has falsely come to believe that divorces impact men far less than they impact women. It's not at all true.

Simply put, men often feel like complete failures after a divorce. And for the average male, that kind of failure can destroy his self-image. After all, most men feel as though who they are is defined by their success or failure in various aspects of life. When their marriages break down, they are suddenly confronted with the worst failure of them all: the failure to make a that union work.

Loss of identity is another common problem experienced by divorced men. Their previous identity as a husband within a happy marriage was often the most important piece of their overall identity. When that's gone, even enriching careers are not enough to salve the loss. As a result, divorced men face deep challenges in their struggle to rediscover who they are without that former role.

The father-child relationship can make that loss of identity even more pronounced. Mothers often end up with the lion's share of time spent with the kids, which can make it difficult for fathers to maintain their attachments with the children. That often leads to feelings of grief over the loss of paternal familiarity, and a growing level of anger.

The problem with that grief is that most men struggle to properly deal with those feelings. While women are adept at sharing their feelings with their female friends and family member, many men fear that they'll appear weak if they express themselves in that manner. As a result, they often bottle up their emotions, or turn to alcohol or other risky behavior as a way to cope with emotions they don't fully understand.

That path often leads to depression. And regardless of how severe that depression might be, t almost always leads to isolation from friends and family. Sometimes, depression can become so intense that men suffer from headaches, hypertension, or other ailments. Worst of all, most men end up enduring these travails all by themselves.

For many years, society has focused on how divorces impact women, and paid little attention to men. The struggles of those men to rebuild their lives in the wake of marital catastrophe will continue until society at last recognizes the grief men experience and finally affords them the understanding they deserve.




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