The tough work after an affair starts with the revelation. Once both of the partners are aware of the infidelity and the choice is made to stay married, then it is time to dive into the recovery process. In my experience helping couples survive an affair, I have learned there is about no limits to the desire to try to save the marriage. My job is to help couples divide the work and work smarter.
The partner who had the affair must work on humility. Sometimes I call this staying "low." Humility means there is never any push back when the betrayed partner makes a request, never telling a half-truth when replying to a direct question, and never any exhibiting hostility in response to the deceived partner's hostility.
Humbleness can be very tough for the partner who had the affair for a couple of reasons. Firstly, she almost certainly has frustrations she never dealt with that let her excuse or rationalize her affair. She may feel like she isn't allowed to exhibit her anger in the restoration process and thus the process of "stuffing" the emotion may begin all over again, leading to resentment and possibly acting out.
The partner who was deceived has very well the hardest task of all in treatment. He must choose to offer forgiveness after infidelity has happened. If recovering couples decide they don't want counseling, forgiveness may never be addressed or it may be ignored in favor of punishment. In treatment, the therapist helps the deceived spouse release the frustration, which leaves room for forgiving if he chooses. The consultant also helps the betrayed partner understand that forgiveness is not for the partner who had the affair; it is for him and his well-being.
Working hard during affair recovery isn't enough. Both partners must divide the work and focus their energy on working smart. The result will be contented individuals and a marriage on its way to recovery.
The partner who had the affair must work on humility. Sometimes I call this staying "low." Humility means there is never any push back when the betrayed partner makes a request, never telling a half-truth when replying to a direct question, and never any exhibiting hostility in response to the deceived partner's hostility.
Humbleness can be very tough for the partner who had the affair for a couple of reasons. Firstly, she almost certainly has frustrations she never dealt with that let her excuse or rationalize her affair. She may feel like she isn't allowed to exhibit her anger in the restoration process and thus the process of "stuffing" the emotion may begin all over again, leading to resentment and possibly acting out.
The partner who was deceived has very well the hardest task of all in treatment. He must choose to offer forgiveness after infidelity has happened. If recovering couples decide they don't want counseling, forgiveness may never be addressed or it may be ignored in favor of punishment. In treatment, the therapist helps the deceived spouse release the frustration, which leaves room for forgiving if he chooses. The consultant also helps the betrayed partner understand that forgiveness is not for the partner who had the affair; it is for him and his well-being.
Working hard during affair recovery isn't enough. Both partners must divide the work and focus their energy on working smart. The result will be contented individuals and a marriage on its way to recovery.
About the Author:
Dr. Kate Walker is a licensed professional counselor in the Woods, Texas. Her article outlining the work during affair recovery guarantees that life after infidelity can ensue.
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